The Moment when you realise it’s their stuff and is none of your business.

Recently, I received a comment on my Facebook page, which in the past I would have found triggering. Now, because I had to block the post and the individual who posted it, due to the offensive language used, I don’t have a copy of what was shared. Still, the comment suggested that I was a man-hater and needed to take accountability for my experience of abuse and stop harping on. The comment was in response to an Amja Unabashedly Instagram post dated 23.12.2024.  In the post, I wrote about the power of self-love as part of a reclamation journey, following an experience of domestic abuse.

Victim blaming is common when it comes to abuse. As an artist and public speaker who is active in the VAWG (Violence Against Women and Girls) sector, I come across lots of unsettling accounts of people being abused and then re-abused with silencing and gaslighting, for finding the courage to seek help by talking about the experience.

Much of my art was born out of feeling silenced when I tried to share my story of coercive control and emotional abuse, which I go into more detail about in my report “How Coercive Control and Emotional Abuse Shape Lives” and the healing benefits of creative expression.

Before I understood the therapeutic elements of creating art, I spent much time explaining and justifying my choices. Not having the physical scars to show what I was going through made it feel difficult to receive empathy and compassion during a very vulnerable time.

Having an outlet to express the expanse of my emotions afforded me the capacity to hold space for myself when I was unable to access trauma-informed support from Woman’s Trust and other communities that foster compassion.  Art gave me a safe space to let canvas tell the story when my words were weaponised.

Victim blaming is a harmful attitude that suggests victims of domestic abuse are responsible for the abuse they experienced. Both women and men can face various forms of victim blaming. Here are a few, but not all, examples of victim blaming:

1. **Personal Responsibility Blaming**:

This form of victim blaming occurs when the victim (I personally prefer to use the term “target of abuse” but for ease of reference will use “victim”) is held accountable for the abuse due to their behaviour, choices, or lifestyle. For example, victims may be criticised for how they dress, their temper, or their relationship decisions, implying that these factors justified the abuser's actions. This type of blaming shifts the focus away from the abuser's misconduct and places it on the victim’s perceived faults.

2. **Minimisation of the Abuse**:

In this scenario, the severity of the abuse is downplayed, and the victim's experience is invalidated. Statements like “It wasn't that serious”, “You weren’t hit” or "You should have left sooner" suggest that the victim is overreacting or that the abuse wasn’t significant enough to warrant concern or support. This can lead victims to doubt their own experiences and feel ashamed about speaking up.

3. **Societal Stereotypes and Gender Norms**:

Victim blaming often intersects with societal stereotypes related to gender. For instance, women may face criticism for not being "submissive" enough or for not adhering to traditional gender roles, while men may be accused of being weak for not defending themselves or for experiencing abuse. These stereotypes perpetuate the idea that victims have a duty to conform to specific societal expectations, blaming them for failing to do so.

These and other types of victim blaming can deeply affect the mental health and well-being of those experiencing domestic abuse, making it even more challenging for them to seek help and support.

 

The Amja Unabashedly, “Seasons of Resilience Collection” was born out of feeling judged, blamed and isolated.  However, acknowledging the seasons of life in relation to nature, nurture and resilience found in the textured surfaces of  the artworks support a curated resilience of rest, pace and self-care and form part of the “Freedom Fusion Collection 

Part of our AU creative journey is to encourage you not to accept victim blaming, acknowledging that victim blaming is “their stuff” and “their business”

Making the decision to use creativity as a tool to create a path away from domestic abuse, infused with love, art, and inspiration is how you create the life you want to live and love and Let Art Be Your Becoming.

 

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or victim blaming it's important to know that you are not alone and there is help out there. Below are details for were to access support. In an emergency call 999

Samaritans are available on 116 123 or at www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Women’s Aid

Live Chat or email their Direct Services Team.’

Local support can be found by using their Domestic Abuse Directory

Other useful links:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (free phone run by Refuge)

The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect)

The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)

Live Free from Fear Helpline – 0808 8010 800 (run by Welsh Women’s Aid this helpline supports men and women and provides support in English and Welsh) 

Rights of Women advice lines, there are a range of services available

For women in England and Wales

National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Languages: English (call & chat); other languages available via interpretation services (call)

Phone hours: 24/7

Chat hours: Mon-Fri, 10AM - 10PM

Call 0808 2000 247

Scotland's Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline:

Call: 0800 027 1234